In D/s circles, a key holder is the person who holds the key(s) to the submissive’s chastity device. Sometimes this position is held by the individual’s partner but it is also a service provided by some professional dominants. The keyholder maintains possession of the key until either an agreed upon date or, if the submissive has surrendered the choice to the Domme, until a time of her choosing.
I haven’t really heard anyone label it as such, but I like to consider someone who agrees to take control of the submissive’s masturbation and orgasm activities sans a chastity device as an “emotional keyholder”. I know this is simply basic orgasm control, but I quite like the thought of identifying the Domme as the Key Holder because it provides a mental image of sorts for the subconscious to latch onto. I have found the deliberate choice of words and images to be very powerful in many situations, but most especially in a Femdom, Female Led Relationship situation.
For several years now I have served as this type of keyholder for a friend who lives quite some distance from me. I say when, where, if, and how he touches and releases as well as controlling his porn and erotic literature habits. Many people proclaim a man cannot be trusted in a situation like this, however what I have found is that, for this man at least, submitting is more important and more exciting than masturbation and orgasm alone. I’m not saying masturbation and orgasm isn’t good when doing so without submission, but in his case, he says it is well worth the wait thanks to that delicious feeling of control.
For about six months I did something similar with a friend in association with a weight loss program. In this situation he had to earn the right to touch and to release by meeting criteria I established regarding pounds lost, calories consumed, and exercise performed. I’m pleased to say I have photographic evidence of how compliant he was (no, not that kind of evidence ;) – before and after photos revealing how much weight he lost). Again, feeling that area of his life controlled was more important to him than deciding if, when, how, and where for himself.
An emotional keyholder situation is quite easy to establish for anyone who is interested in a simple form of dominance. Simple to establish – not simple in its meaning. It’s quite the powerful tool when used between two people who discuss and agree upon the parameters and who trust one another to really strive to make it work.
What are your thoughts about the concept of “emotional keyholder”? Do you think that sort of phraseology / imagery would have any impact on you or is the situation itself more than enough?
And.. out of curiosity, do you think that you could be trusted to surrender complete control of your masturbation and orgasm activities if you were not in a device?
Never having been controlled with a physical device, I should perhaps refrain from discussing what I don’t know about. However, I have briefly been controlled without a physical device and the experience was rewarding, (and a great deal of fun). When I think about it, I do not feel at all inclined to put on a physical chastity device of any kind. I think it would undermine my resolution of trust. Why? Because the presence of the restraint would imply that I was not capable of being trusted. (I mean no offense to anyone who uses chastity devices. What works for you is your business and that’s great. It’s just that to me it would seem like a crutch.) Emotional restraint, on the other hand, puts more responsibility on me, and by implication defines a greater trust between the keyholder and myself.
Arafin
I wouldn’t care what you called it but I would love to have someone do it for me. Have you ever thought about doing it for other people and charging for it?
Never having been in this situation before, I am not sure if it would work or not. The first hurdle for me would be whether or not I could sleep at not. I get rather grumpy and useless if I don’t get enough sleep so that issue would have to be figured out.
Hmm. I’ve mentioned before that a major draw of chastity, for me, is the bondage aspect of it. I think the issues of dealing with day to day life, secured in a device, add a whole dimension to chastity play that Emotional Keyholding does not touch upon. It’s one thing to promise my KH that I will not masturbate. It’s quite another to be standing in a locker room, trying to conceal myself while changing, or sitting to pee in the bathroom, wondering if any of my coworkers have noticed I never use the urinal. Perhaps it rubs some humiliation buttons for me, too. I don’t know.
Another part of me says that there isn’t a chastity device made that I can’t defeat in 10 minutes. I own a dremel tool. Consequently, I don’t get off on the notion that it’s “impossible” for me to get out, though I know a lot of guys do. I don’t feel “trapped” in a chastity device. For me, it’s just difficult or impossible to orgasm without detection, since the device would be damaged. So, perhaps “impossible to cheat without detection” is the best it gets, in my mind.
I do think a lot of guys find the notion of Emotional Keyholding compelling, whether they know it or not. There are a LOT of CB-xxxx devices out there, and there are few men that these things actually WORK for. Most men can pull out if they want to. They just don’t want to. Just in the last week, I’ve read several blogs by men who say either “I’ve never tried, I don’t want to know” or “I can pull out, but I choose not to”. I think the guys in those situations are already enjoying Emotional Keyholding. The device is more of a symbol, or perhaps they are also enjoying the bondage aspects as I do.
mikecb
I find the idea of an emotional key holder very intriguing. I agree with Arafin that, for me, devices imply lack of trust. I am not saying anything against people who use them. Whatever works for you is great. I suspect that people who use devices also do so for other reasons than the trust issues.
I also think that part of developing as a person is making mistakes. That is how we learn and grow. Developing as a person is acknowledging flaws in oneself and endeavoring to improve. Using a device does not give you that opportunity.
The key-holder approach for weight loss is very intriguing.
Truely a delicious delima , should I or shouldn’t I .. do You trust me or better still can I trust You … all these thought bubble to the surface when considering this interesting topic, perhaps in response to Arafin’s reply we consider “What if” .. it isn’t the issue of the Dominant wanting to control one’s orgasms and touching through the use of a device as much as She/He were actually more interested in the submissive’s trust in the Dominant following through on Their side of the proposed “control offer” .. will They return your submitted offering at the agreed upon time etc … trust is a double edged sword in a D/s relationship and things aren’t always as they first appear. I agree with mikecb in the everyday logistics of wearing a chastity device, the potential for great humiliation, the ever constant reminder of your submission through the wearing of the device itself .. there are so many aspects to consider aside from the trust aspect .. and certainly we all could get out of most devices if we wanted, but at what cost .. much like the Emotional Keyholder approach trust is paramont without it I feel it’s all a moot exercise, but a delicious one to consider.
Is there a way to have responses sent to email? I don’t seem to see a control for that.
The photo you displayed and the basic idea I find extremely exciting /arousing. However whether it would work in the long term with me would probably depend on how I was controlled and given treats /rewards etc!
Mike, I am trying to find a way to enable email notifications of comments. It was a feature built in to one of my other blogs, but it’s not for this one.
Do you use a RSS reader like google reader? There is a way to see the comments via RSS, but I do not know yet what you would input into the reader. I have to ask my website guru friend.
Brad asked, “I wouldn’t care what you called it but I would love to have someone do it for me. Have you ever thought about doing it for other people and charging for it?”
No, I haven’t and won’t. I do what I do because it is fun, I don’t want to make it work.
I like the idea of chasity as long as it is control by a responsible Mistress / Lady! I love to be submissive and order to do as Mistress commands. As far as orgasm….the notion of it being pulled out of me….as one would pull a sword from my groin….the sword placed there by the Lady! mmmmmmmm……
Emotional Keyholder is a great idea. i could be trusted in that situation.
That’s good, Patrick :) In many ways that’s what you are doing with the Queen of Hearts Experience, isn’t it?